My Dad

Warning: this post is a bit of a downer but hopefully writing some of these thoughts down will help me process a little bit. These are just some random thoughts about my Daddy. Things I am working through, things I miss, things I've learned.

It's been 11 days. Feels like it's only been about 2. I have to catch myself and remind myself what day it is. Still having moments of reminding myself that it's real.

Last night Aron brought the kids to the house and Jonah asked "Where's Paw Paw?". I just about lost it.

11 days and it feels like there's been a 50 lb. weight sitting on my chest for all 11 of them. There's this "sadness fog" that just permeates everything. Like an invisible voice that keeps reminding me "he's gone" no matter what I'm doing. Driving to the gas station, watching t.v., everything.

I have moments of angry. My dad was one of the good guys. I know God needs him in Heaven but we need him here too. I need him to randomly call me about gas prices, or asking about something we have at the hardware store. I need to hear him say "Hi Andi-Pandi" when I answer my phone. I want him HERE!

He won't walk me down the aisle. My kids won't get to have him for a Paw Paw.

Most of the time I am at peace. I know he is up there with his parents and friends that have passed before (I am confident that at 6:30 every morning he and Don are sitting on a patio and having a cup of coffee :). He is catching up with his mom who passed away when he was only 6. He is meeting his oldest brother for the first time. He is showing his dad pictures of the grandkids. He is holding his two grandbabies that we never got to meet and singing them songs like "Darling Clementine" and "I've been working on the railroad". He is dozing in a recliner while they are sleeping on his chest.

He is telling me to change the oil in my car soon, and I can hear him saying it's a good thing I bought the "over 3000 miles" oil filter the last time. He is saying "oh geez Andi" because I haven't changed the air filter since I bought it.

He is up there pulling the "train track" joke on somebody.

He was a master mechanic, carpenter, electrician, large bug killer, pancake making coach, copier repairman, slayer of under the bed monsters, you name it.

I was supposed to get the egg lesson at some point. He knew the secret to making eggs any way you like them, something I never could get the hang of. I hope you like them scrambled or over hard. That's about all I can do.

I will play games like elevator (this consisted of him simply saying "going up"/"going down" whenever he would lift me up on top of/down from something but I remember thinking it was the funniest thing) and tugboat(a simple pool game) with my kids because those are burned in my memory forever. Sorry Dad, I can't remember the rules to Uker.

I will teach my kids to make pancakes (the secret's in the bubbles). I will say "goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite" when I tuck them in. I will remember not to over-fertilize my tomato plants. I will attempt at some point to make a pot of bean soup. It'll probably be a while before I get it to taste like his though. I will not pull a piece of paper backwards through a copy machine when there is a jam. I will spin screws backwards at first when putting something plastic together (this starts them right so the threads don't strip).

I whistle just like him. I have his nose. Aron and I eat mayonnaise on everything just like him. Dina, Amy, Aron and I can strike up a conversation with anybody just like him. I call it the "salesman gene". We all got it.

I will always always miss him.

That's all for now. Thanks for listening...